I’m hoping that next year will be a good year for me, but at the same time i’m kind of hoping that it won’t be one. Because that way it would be easier for me to go to Silvercreek. Idk, I don’t know anyone there, but I still really want to go there. I have a feeling that I will meet more people that I can get along with there, but i’m scared what if I don’t. And it turns out to be worse than here? 

I have my goals set for high school. I will do my best to achieve it, I want my parents to be proud of me. Really proud. I want to be the one that they can brag about, no don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to compete with my siblings and be the best. I just want to do my best in school, get good grades, and make my parents proud. I’m not competing. I won’t tell anyone about my goal for high school though because if I do, they’d expect me to do it. And i’m not sure if i can. I don’t want to talk big, and end up not being able to do it. I won’t tell you guys about my grades anymore next year, I want to do good and surprise you with them. Cousin, I am not competing with you. Honestly, I want you to do well in school, and be successful later on. This is not about who gets better grades or whatever, I mean it may seem like a competition, but it’s not. I want to do well in school, you do too. It really doesn’t matter who does better. But if you do, do better. I’ll be happy for you. 

What if the reason why it’s so hard for me to move on is because I really don’t want to? I just thought of this, what if all that time when I said that I wanted to move on, i didn’t. Was I just hoping for another chance? 

I’m always wondering if we will ever talk again, or have a thing again. I’m hoping we would, but that’s like probably not going to happen. 

I thought I moved on, but seeing you with her made me realize that I never did. It’s been 2 years, and I still haven’t moved on. Clearly, you have. It didn’t even take you that long, you got over me in like just a week. Me? I have been missing you ever since. I’m always thinking about you, man. You aren’t even worth it. I know that, but I still can’t move on. Fuck. I tried to keep in touch and everything, but you just didn’t seem to care or want to keep in touch. I wanted to be at least friends with you still, but now it’s just like. I can’t even talk to you because when I try to, you just give me these effortless replies. I don’t even want to tell my friends about this anymore ‘cause I’m pretty sure they’re tired of hearing about you all the time. I’m always venting about this. And you know what really sucks? When I think I’m over you, you talk to me again. Or i see one of your pictures. And then I realize that I like you all over again. I hate these feelings, I swear, you’re not even worth it. You’re just a boyfriend from sixth grade. We haven’t talked in months, why are these feelings even here. Is it because i’m lonely? Or what. I don’t even understand my own feelings anymore. Oh, and while i’m upset an everything, i’m also happy for you. You found a girl that you like, and likes you back. Whenever I see pictures of you and her, it makes me think. Is she better than me? I don’t know anymore, ugh. She’s so pretty, her face is flawless, her hair, everything. I just can’t compare with that, i can’t even. It’s like she’s so much better than me. And your profile picture is with her, so now every time i get on, i would see it on my newsfeed. Great. just great. There is really no point in this, and these feelings. I should just start ignoring them again. That way, it’s better and everything. I won’t be hurt or anything. They’ll still be there, but they’ll be hidden. Honestly, I’m so tired of this. All the fucking time it’s just like on repeat or some shit. I have feelings for you, I start getting over you. Out of nowhere you pop into my mind, bam I have feelings for you again. What is it about you that makes me feel like this?

And now everytime I’m on facebook, I’ll see you and her because that’s your profile picture now. I’m upset, but at the same time, I’m happy for you.

Why can’t I get you out of my head? All I think about is you now, ugh. I don’t want to have feelings for you, I don’t want any of this. I hate it. I try to ignore it, but I can’t. fuck feelings

I’m going to start ignoring my feelings again.

I hate feeling sad and not knowing the reason for it. Maybe I do, but whenever people ask me, I never have an answer. I just can’t explain.